i read back over a few entries here tonite, and the impression one would get of my life from the entries contained herein is that there's something that's not working out. basically i seem to be painfully broke all of the time. it's not entirely true, but it is a little bit true. i only get to my financial breaking point a couple of times a year...most of the rest of the time, i love what i do, and i'm good at it, and i'm so thankful that i'm in control of my schedule and my life, and not tied to a high standard of living that requires me to have a job i hate.
most of the time.
but thanks to the current shite economy, i'm finding myself broke in a different way from the one i've grown comfortable with. not "broke" as in i can't go to the bar with you, "broke" as in i can't pay my electrical bill. broke as in i may not have anything to eat next week. even if my student loan deferral is approved (fingers crossed), i'm no longer in a place where "broke" is livable.
this isn't an attempt for sympathy. this is an attempt to explain why something has to change in my life.
...and i know that the above description of just how broke i am may not be the best selling point for grad school.
the #1 reason i am hesitant to even do the research is because of how terrified i am of taking on more debt. i barely made it out of undergrad alive, and *that* was just working to pay new york city living expenses. i'm paying off (or not, as the case may be) the tuition costs now.
but i can't really see a way out of this cycle that doesn't involve a big change of some kind.
is it completely illogical to think that the big change required may be further education?
my mother, judging from the noise she made on the phone this evening when i tentatively said i'd been thinking about it, sees this as an absurd luxury. i went to college once already, didn't i? that's more than anyone else in the family had done.
that is to say: my family would not support me. financially or possibly even emotionally. which is something i'd given up on long ago. but the idea that this may alienate us even further is definitely a consideration.
...the students in the school where i sub sometimes have a program to help them apply for college. because they're all recent immigrants, their families have no experience whatsoever in the american university system. and i couldn't help but think that i need something like that. my family is unable to have informed discussions about the difference, say, between an MA and a comparable MFA. they don't know that you have to pay to apply to places or even that the GRE exists. when i was applying to undergrad, i got a bunch of brochures in the mail, picked one almost blindly, and applied to it and nothing else. things sort of fell in to place, luckily, and it all turned out more or less ok. but grad school is completely uncharted territory. i don't know if it's the right thing for me to do right now. i don't know where to find programs to apply to or how to get in. when i was 17, i was clueless and incredibly fucking lucky. i don't think i can count on that kind of luck again.
...my goals for my life, career-wise: i want to design film and theater sets. i'd like to have the option of teaching at a college level. eventually, someday, when i've done everything else, i think i'd like to do installations.
that doesn't sound impossible, right?
difficult, maybe. but difficult i can deal with.
it's not so much the degree that would theoretically help me
but the skills and maybe the connections that went along with it.
i've been looking, a little obsessively, at the website of the most promising program i've found. mostly the student work samples. and all i can think is, i want to do that.
i've hit the ceiling at the level where i've been working.
i've done everything i can there.
what i want now is to do bigger and better things.
just have to figure out how.