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09:48pm 11/06/2009
  once again i'm thinking about going back to school.

i read back over a few entries here tonite, and the impression one would get of my life from the entries contained herein is that there's something that's not working out. basically i seem to be painfully broke all of the time. it's not entirely true, but it is a little bit true. i only get to my financial breaking point a couple of times a year...most of the rest of the time, i love what i do, and i'm good at it, and i'm so thankful that i'm in control of my schedule and my life, and not tied to a high standard of living that requires me to have a job i hate.

most of the time.

but thanks to the current shite economy, i'm finding myself broke in a different way from the one i've grown comfortable with. not "broke" as in i can't go to the bar with you, "broke" as in i can't pay my electrical bill. broke as in i may not have anything to eat next week. even if my student loan deferral is approved (fingers crossed), i'm no longer in a place where "broke" is livable.

this isn't an attempt for sympathy. this is an attempt to explain why something has to change in my life.

...and i know that the above description of just how broke i am may not be the best selling point for grad school.

the #1 reason i am hesitant to even do the research is because of how terrified i am of taking on more debt. i barely made it out of undergrad alive, and *that* was just working to pay new york city living expenses. i'm paying off (or not, as the case may be) the tuition costs now.

but i can't really see a way out of this cycle that doesn't involve a big change of some kind.

is it completely illogical to think that the big change required may be further education?

my mother, judging from the noise she made on the phone this evening when i tentatively said i'd been thinking about it, sees this as an absurd luxury. i went to college once already, didn't i? that's more than anyone else in the family had done.

that is to say: my family would not support me. financially or possibly even emotionally. which is something i'd given up on long ago. but the idea that this may alienate us even further is definitely a consideration.

...the students in the school where i sub sometimes have a program to help them apply for college. because they're all recent immigrants, their families have no experience whatsoever in the american university system. and i couldn't help but think that i need something like that. my family is unable to have informed discussions about the difference, say, between an MA and a comparable MFA. they don't know that you have to pay to apply to places or even that the GRE exists. when i was applying to undergrad, i got a bunch of brochures in the mail, picked one almost blindly, and applied to it and nothing else. things sort of fell in to place, luckily, and it all turned out more or less ok. but grad school is completely uncharted territory. i don't know if it's the right thing for me to do right now. i don't know where to find programs to apply to or how to get in. when i was 17, i was clueless and incredibly fucking lucky. i don't think i can count on that kind of luck again.

...my goals for my life, career-wise: i want to design film and theater sets. i'd like to have the option of teaching at a college level. eventually, someday, when i've done everything else, i think i'd like to do installations.

that doesn't sound impossible, right?
difficult, maybe. but difficult i can deal with.

it's not so much the degree that would theoretically help me
but the skills and maybe the connections that went along with it.

i've been looking, a little obsessively, at the website of the most promising program i've found. mostly the student work samples. and all i can think is, i want to do that.

i've hit the ceiling at the level where i've been working.
i've done everything i can there.
what i want now is to do bigger and better things.

just have to figure out how.
13 read the news today|oh boy
02:13am 01/04/2009
  inspired by a long conversation with beller, where we discussed how, among other things, i was taught since before i could read that biblical creation was a fact and not to listen to my science teacher when he talked about evolution...in fact if you asked my almost 23-yr-old siste who is about to graduate from nursing school today if she believed in evolution, i'm sure she'd say no....i looked up "baptist" on wikipedia.

it's really interesting to read a scholarly article describing...well, you.
or at least a group you once identified strongly with

try it. try looking up, i don't know, "liberal". or "american".
that's you they're talking about.

i like to say that christianity is the foreign country where i grew up. even though i haven't lived there in many years, i can still speak the language, and sometimes i find the old songs comforting.

the wikipedia article jibes pretty well with my understanding of the church.

although they make the baptists sound almost kind of spunky.
i guess maybe they were...for the 17th century.

also, for extra credit: evangelicalism .
we were conservative evangelical baptists (not southern baptists, and not fundamentalist christians), if you're curious.
oh boy
02:38pm 31/03/2009
  someday when i look back on my twenties, it will all look like one long, vaguely hungover commute home from williamsburg wearing yesterday's clothes.

but at least i'm enjoying it, right?
oh boy
meat is morrissey   
09:15pm 18/03/2009
  so you probably know that i've been a vegetarian since i was 18. in the past few months though, i've come to the conclusion that it's better for both me and the environment if i were to give up all the processed soy crapola i've been eating instead of meat and, once or twice a month, have a serving of really good, organic, ethically-raised-whatever actual meat.

it's taken me several months from the realization to actually put it into practice, though. as much as i logically recognized that this would be a better way of eating, i have almost eight years of anti-meat thinking in my past that i had a total mental block about actually putting it in my mouth. not to mention that i've never cooked meat in my life.

so i took formerly-vegan-rob's advice and joined the park slope food co-op , which i'm now obsessed with. it took me several times of actually going before i could work up the courage to buy real meat. but the last time i went a jar of a very specific barbeque sauce was calling to me. so i bought it, and a package of "ethically raised" free-range no-antibiotic chicken legs. and tonite for dinner i made bbq chicken with sauteed lacinto kale and rob's other recommendation: live-cultured sauerkraut , for digestion.

when i first took the chicken out of the oven i was scared of it

but it smelled really amazing
so i tried it
and oh my god, it was delicious.
count me a convert.

i'm still going to be mainly vegetarian though. don't expect me to eat meat on set or in restaurants. with all the beautiful produce i've been getting at the co-op, i've been eating tons more fruit and vegetables. mostly fruit and vegetables, actually. in the past couple of weeks i've probably been eating better than ever before in my life.

so, once or twice a month it is.
10 read the news today|oh boy
01:08pm 13/03/2009

I love sarah vowell because she writes history books (the following is from "the wordy shipmates") with sentences like "talking about winthrop's 'a model of christian charity' without discussing ronald reagan would be like mentioning dolly parton's 'I will always love you' and pretending whitney houston doesn't exist."

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

4 read the news today|oh boy
12:20pm 04/03/2009
  The art director reports to the production designer, and more directly oversees artists and craftspeople, such as the set designers, graphic artists, and illustrators who give form to the production design as it develops. The art director works closely with the construction coordinator to oversee the aesthetic and textural details of sets as they are realized. Moreover, the art director helps create Director's visual to be alive and real.

i see this from time to time

people posting "art director needed" ads where their "job description" is copied straight from wikipedia


tell me about YOUR film.

4 read the news today|oh boy
my post on overheardeverywhere   
07:44am 26/02/2009
  paris metro:

british child, looking at poster for bodies: the exhibit: mummy? has he got three willies?

british mother: no darling, we call those testicles.
1 read the news today|oh boy
07:04pm 30/01/2009
  what's the best line someone has used to try to seduce you?

mine was (probably), as said to me by someone with whom i was in a complicated, love-triangle-type scenario:
if this was a movie, the audience would be rooting so hard for you and me to get together.

good line.
although now the audience would just think you were an asshole.
25 read the news today|oh boy
08:54pm 23/01/2009
  so the global gag rule's out, and gitmo's on its way.

barack hussein obama is president of the united states, hillary clinton is secretary of state, and bushie's back on the ranch where he belongs.

this has been a pretty damn good week for america.

*edit*: this photo is pretty hilarious. look at all the frowny old white guys behind the youthful cool new president!
4 read the news today|oh boy
10:12pm 21/01/2009
  got a new haircut. it is significantly shorter than i'd expected but i kind of think i like it.

ive decided it's one part little orphan annie, one part dorothy hamill, and a dash of angela davis style 70's "black power!".

the description may sound terrible
but i can kinda rock it.

pics later, maybe
if i can get someone to take them.
7 read the news today|oh boy
05:25am 11/01/2009

2009 sucks.

i'm gonna just try to sleep it off til' february.
5 read the news today|oh boy
01:20pm 10/01/2009
  umm, honestly?

the real world: brooklyn just kind of looks like what it's like to live in new york.

oh, wow, living in an apartment with PEOPLE YOU DON'T KNOW?
and they're all, like, different? and you have to try to get along?

i don't have to watch tv for that. i've lived it. and when i did it was way more interesting.

even with a transgender girl...they did it on ANTM, and i can already tell it was more interesting.

as they said in the nytimes review, "There is something about 'The Real World' that feels permanently stuck in the early 1990s, when issues of sexual orientation were guaranteed to rattle. There’s so little rattling, and seemingly so little prospect of sexual tension, that 'The Real World: Brooklyn' threatens to sink to the innocuousness of 'The Love Boat'."

they would have done so much better to set it in williamsburg.
5 read the news today|oh boy
ich sehe gern filme   
12:25am 10/01/2009
  in my recent attempt to teach myself german in less than a month, i've been hitting the books pretty hard. so for a little break i've decided to watch some recent german cinema and see how much of the dialogue i can catch. and i'll tell you: not much.

i tried my first movie tonite: das leben der anderen, which translates to "the lives of others". it's the story, set in mid-80's east berlin, of an east german playwright (and potential subversive), his actress girlfriend, and the stasi officer who is assigned to bug their apartment and monitor their every move. but the hidden eavesdropper becomes enmeshed in the lives of the people he's been assigned to monitor, and, well, really you should just watch it. it's incredibly well done.

first of all, apparently in communist east germany typewriters were registered. the way we register guns. so the state police could trace anything you'd written back to you.

(i don't know if all typewriters were registered, or just those of potential political subversives. but still, holyshit.)

it is astonishing to realize that this is taking place in a place where i've been, during my lifetime.
this is still the very, very recent past for germany.

next up: gegen die wand.
3 read the news today|oh boy
in the middle of the night, babe   
10:51pm 08/01/2009
  i've been drinking a bit and listening to the arcade fire and reading my old posts from the past year.

it is oddly and spectacularly grounding.
basically....i have the same problems at the same times basically every year.
but even if it's not getting any better, i made it through alive last year, and this year i will too.

also, several of my posts are rather clever!
1 read the news today|oh boy
word mutilations that piss me off to an irrational extent   
12:20pm 08/01/2009
  - laundrymat
- expresso
- whip cream
- duck tape

...like i'm liable to think less of you as a person if you use these in writing or in speech.
33 read the news today|oh boy
04:11pm 25/12/2008

I am glimpsing my future as the weird unmarried aunt who comes to christmas dinner and gets a little too drunk and starts ranting about something nobody cares about.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

5 read the news today|oh boy
11:54am 19/12/2008

someone on my slate podcast just pointed out that caroline kennedy is even less qualified than sarah palin was.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

3 read the news today|oh boy
02:23pm 18/12/2008

I just got into the berlinale film festival's talent campus program!

I thought I might get in, but I didn't actually think I'd GET IN.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

13 read the news today|oh boy
01:42pm 14/12/2008

i don't know if i'll ever love anyone as much as i love jon stewart.
13 read the news today|oh boy
09:37pm 12/12/2008

.........oh my GOD i have the same glasses as the girl in "little miss sunshine".
1 read the news today|oh boy